Sam and Bran and Ella and Anna

New Normal = going to the hospital at midnight Friday night, hoping your child doesn't have to be admitted, hanging out at the hospital until about 5 am before being sent home. Both parents being so exhausted and making a plan to never both go to the ER in the middle of the night again because that is just too much tired for one family. Terrie was here and stayed with Ella - fortunately. Anna was sooooooooo mad at being back at the hospital and wouldn't sleep and wouldn't eat and was so fussy and then she started being just mad! I'm exhausted, Sam's exhausted and Anna decides (or not) to have some temper tantrums.

I finally got into bed about 5:30 this morning, Anna came in around 8 maybe and crawled in and slept with us. Hospital called at 9 am saying Anna's platelets were low last night (DUH!) and that they wanted her back in at 11 for a transfusion. So ticked at myself for not pushing last night. I saw her petechae were returning, palms and feet bruising and we asked the resident but didn't push. So, an early morning wake up and another day spent at the hospital. Last night's blood counts were 11,000 - 10,000 means a transfusion. So, the poor thing got to get poked - again, have another set of labs drawn - again because we didn't push hard enough last night. Then poor Anna had to stay for the blood draw, labs, wait for results, decide they need platelets, order platelets and infuse her. :( Poor Baby. Next time I will absolutely be more vigilant.

Sad discoveries for Anna - she still doesn't know about what all is happening to her and what all will be happening or not...Today she asked Sam how many days until her half birthday and was so excited with the answer and hwo close it was and that we would be going to Disneyland in an even shorter time...She doesn't know that we won't be able to go for a very long time - long enough time for her to not believe in Princesses anymore. :( My heart breaks for her - she doesn't know, but we know. She has no concept of the length of time or the seriousness of her illness. She talked Sam into taking her to Frost for doughnuts. They got theer and she started unbuckling her carseat to get out of the car- she didn't realize she'd have to stay in the car. Then she was sad b/c she couldn't pick her own doughnut and today was definitely the best she's felt since she's entered the hospital. I think I'm getting bogged down in the sad things tonight - which I guess is okay, but there are still good things and great things and amazing friends and family but right now I'm having a very hard time focusing on them.

Truly crazy thing is I actually had an amazing day (besides the sheer weariness that makes it hard to concentrate.) I'm jsut so sad thinking of all that Anna is missing nda more what she will be missing. I hate when the people at the cash registers ask, "How are you doing?" "How are you today?" They really don't want to know and then when they say it all I c an think aobut is 'do you really want to know how I'm doing - because let me tell you - pretty frickin cruddy - not so good in fact' I of course, don't say those things because they really don't care how I'm doing and I know they are asking to be polite, I just wonder what they would say if I blurted out "Pretty bad actually, my four-year-old was just diagnosed with cancer." Can you imagine? It is kind of a funny thought but really, it isn't funny and really I wouldn't ever say that and I'm absolutely positively certain that I couldn't make the words come out without being an absolute blithering idiot. Many reasons this wouldn't be a good plan.

I think I just need to go to sleep as I am sitting here and making myself more and more sad - this cannot be a good road to head down.