I love her. I love her I love her I love her. I do, I really truly 100% with everything I have and am, I love and adore and cherish her. I am getting a little bit tired of her.
She either wants me to be in the room with her and talking to her and watching her show or playing her game and/or playing with her or she needs to know where I am and what I'm doing. Literally today I have been in the same room with her. Three times I left the room she was in - while she was watching TV! The first time she was watching and called to me after 36 seconds (yes, I counted), the second time she called to me after seven seconds and the third it was 21 seconds. So - I have had about one minute today without being in the same room with Anna and her talking to me. I even told her I had to go to the bathroom, when I didn't need to, and I would be out in a few minutes. That didn't even work!!! She talked to me the entire time I was in the bathroom. Asking me question after question after question- argh.
Then, I feel this terrible push/pull because she's feeling great and healthy and she's soooo smart and so funny and this amazing sense of humor and that I should be forever grateful to have these days with her just like this. I need to just enjoy it and relax and spend as much time as possible with her because I never know what will happen or what tomorrow may bring and then I have this realization thtat I can't live in fear of what may or may not happen to herI neede to just live life and that it is fine that I don't enjoy spending 24/7 with a chattering 4 yo, regardless of how funny and smart and sassy sheis. But then I don't want to waste any of our time - I feel the need to claim it and enjoy it and have every day be a good day and just enjoy her. Then there is more reality in that the kitchen DOES need to be cleaned. The fridge does need cleaned - we have a 150 lb shedding dog and I NEED to vaccuum and it is just terribly hard. I want ot enjoy her and our time and I want to spend time with her and not be resentful that I HAVE to do it - but really, honestly, I'd just love a little time without her which is kind of horrible to say because she is surely, without ad oubt the most cheerful optimistic person in the entire family.
I don't want something terrible to happen in the next couple of years adn then think that I should have just not worreid about vaccuming or cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry and I should have just played mermaids and pollies and whatever more often. I hate this feeling.
I do think that pretty much anyone would feel that way after being with one person all day every day. I would love to go to the gym or get my hair done or whatever - the difference in this and my normal stay at home-ness is that when they were little, toddlers and babies and pre-schoolers I could take them to the store or to the park or the zoo or the Science Center or wherever. I could take them to McDonald's play place for an hour on a rainy day. I don't have those outlets anymore. I can't take her to the park or the store and most definitely NOT a play area! Any one of those places could have germs that could land her in the hospital for a short or an extended period of time or even worse. Her body has no way to fight it and while I would be more willing to take chances probably if it were my own health in question there is no possible way I am going to do anything that may risk her health!
Sam tells me that I should go when he gets home from work, get out, get away. Spend some time alone just doing what I want. The problem with this is - I spend so little time with Sam and Ella anyway - spending more time away seems almost torture. I like spending time with all of the people in my little family, maybe just not so much of it with one special little person. Plus, I do need an effort to spend time with Ella alone and time to spend with Sam alone. It can't be all just about Anna, can it? So, then, I feel worse because maybe it should be all just about Anna and the rest of us need to man up and deal - but really, how do you expect a 6 yo to just deal? So staying home is hard and leaving is hard and it is all hard hard hard and I'm trying my absolute very best.
That's when I get annoyed with Anna b/c she just won't back off. That's really what I want to say to her - Back Off! Give me a minute! But then, she'd start crying and apologize and then I'd have to apolgize and cuddle and then we'd be even in more close contact than before I snapped and I still wouldn't get my minute without any touching or talking. She even comes into our bed around 10 pm and midnight. Doesn't matter if she's asleep or awake, she needs to come into our room a couple of times a night for a cuddle. Part of the reason we had to switch up who spends every night at the hospital (besides the regression and melting down of Ella) is because Anna literally won't sleep and doesn't let me sleep. She wakes herself up adn looks for me and not just looks for me, wakes me up to watch her sleep. That isn't an exaggeration or a joke - she wakes up then wakes me up to watch her while she's sleeping. So, she doesn't sleep as well because she has to keep an eye on me and I don't sleep as well. At least if Sam spends the night she lets him sleep and she's not up all not checking on him, they are only up when the nurses are in for vitals and meds and to go potty.
It is also very hard because these days both girls are extremely, and I do mean extremely! clingy! Twice in the past week Ella has cried when we are someplace in public and she can't see me. Both times she was in the car and I was out of the car, next to the car, but evidently someplace she couldn't see me. At one point she unbuckled her carseat and moved to where she could watch me. Anna cries if we are out and she can't see me. Yesterday, maybe today, I was getting out of the car and Anna was left to get out on her own (we like to encourage her independence when she's feeling well) and she started crying - because she thought I'd left her outside alone. They won't leave the house to go play unless I watch them - even in our own yard. They want my eyes on them all.the.time. It is adorable and endearing but also incredibly stifling and frustrating at the same time. I know they need the reassurance of Sam, and especially me, that we are there for them and that we will take care of them but it is also suffocating.
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