I'm just so tired.
Tired of being cranky and sad and worried. Tired of worrying about my child dying. Tired of worrying about how to tell her that other kids die from the exact thing she has. Tired of having to live day by day by day and not being able to make plans - or to make plans with the knowledge that nothing is set - everything is tentative. I hate living in fear and I hate that I am crying every single day and I hate that I can't let go of the fear that Anna is going to relapse. I hate that in cancer - as in every.single.freaking.thing! that other Mothers do there is, even here - my kid's cancer is worse than your kid's cancer. Or that tumors somehow aren't as bad as blood cancers or that tumor cancers are so much worse or that I feel the need to hole up and not see anyone related to cancer or read about anything related to cancer because I just can't calm down. Or that relapse is constantly on my mind.
Mostly - I'm just tired. tired of bad news for other kids and tired of dealing with my kids and feeling guilty - so guilty. Guilty for what they are missing, guilty for waht they have to endure, guilty for even getting frustrated or upset with Anna. I feel like there is rarely any rationale thought anymore. Debatable about the anymore, depending on perspective I guess. ;)
I think this is enough venting for one day - do you suppose that if I cry or vent or rage enough in a two day span, in multiple venues, to multiple people, I might feel better? Just getting it all out at once? I certainly hope so!
No comments:
Post a Comment