It is kind of weird that the bad stuff from this cancer stuff gets funneled over to here - this was originally a blog to keep friends and family updated with our lives and cute pictures of the girls - a fun place, maybe some craft or baking projects, scrapbooking pages, maybe.
things change and I guess, for right now, this blog is serving the purpose of being the repository of things that I deem too sad or negative for Anna's CB. I think, I couldjust delete the entries, but it doesn't seem very honest, very truthful. There is SO MUCH good, but also bad and sad. It seems disingenuous to only write the good and I don't want the reality to be lost in a sweet candy coating. Because honestly, there is really only so much sweetness that comes with cancer. So, if you're coming from the CB or just reading:
I don't like to write about the kids who have lost their fight. Every week in October seemed to bring another one or two who succumbed. Brutal to live with that reality. Hard to maintain focus and a positive outlook. Oh, and also, because I know it is inevitable that some day one of the kids Anna has met will lose their battle. Poor babies. I don't know how to have that conversation with Anna - to she and Ella, cancer is very similar to a really bad flu.they don't know what can happen to some people with cancer and I don't want them to know and be living in fear. Ella even told us a week or so ago (did I already mention this here?), "I don't get what the big deal about cancer is?" That is great. That is amazing. That is awesome. I don't want her to know the big deal about cancer. It's not fair that they have to know - any of them.
This past week, reading a Mom's updates as her son slipped away and his body quit working - after six weeks in ICU and him fading/recovering/fading/recovering - but never all the way. That was gut-wrenching. She was incredibly, brutally honest and it was horrible and all you want to do is offer her somewords of comfort but really, there is no comfort, is there? So, the really shitty part is, you kind of have to put those kids and families out of your head for a lot of the time and not think about them - because to think about them is to face up to the reality of what **could** happen. not likely, but it could happen.
It is best not to dwell in those shadows and to really, really live in today and take joy in the small things - and large things. And to be thankful for all the bountiful blessings we do have. Because, honestly, selfishly, it is hard to live and be with the parents in their sadness, grief, despair...so, it is easiest for me to just avoid thinking about them for the most part.
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