Sam and Bran and Ella and Anna

Hard to breathe. Hard to concentrate. Hard to think. Hard to relax. Hard to just be... Might seem silly, and obvious to say, but I am so done with cancer. I'm sure Anna is even more over it. This week has been a particularly bad week in Cancerville. Our little community has had a rough go. On Monday a little boy found out he's relapsed after his BMT - there's nothing left they can do for him except give him time to create memories with his family. Never enough memories and never enough pictures but they are trying to decide what things they'd like to do as a family in what time he has left. Another little girl, 10 years old, beginning her sixth month of Maintenance, has relapsed. Anna is finishing her third month of Maintenance at the end of the month. It is hard to even move through the day - totally completely filled with fear. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I hate this being terrified and the constant, daily, draining wait for the other shoe to drop. Evidently it gets better - but everyone on the other side says it takes years. Anna threw up a couple of times yesterday. The first two thoughts in my head, 1. pack a bag and get ready to head to the ER for a possible admit and stay of unknown duration, 2. relapse, relapse, relapse It is a constant train in my head - like a broken record that runs and runs and runs and usually the extra noise of living can drown it out but then bad stuff happens, you have a shitty week and the refrain can't be stopped. There's no sleeping, no eating, no thinking and practically having to remember to breathe. Breaking into tears at the slightest provocation and avoiding contact with people. Withdrawing is probably a totally awful thing for me personally but I just can't bear to be out and about and chatting. Kids are dying. Kids aren't being cured. Mia has died. A sweet adorable, darling girl who has an amazing twin brother, aged 5, and Mia's diagnosis was High Risk Pre-B ALL. The same exact diagnosis as Anna. After remission and almost being completely finished with Maintenance she relapsed. Had a BMT and then relapsed again. This is something that I think will never allow me to relax. I am able to forget for a time, sometimes even a few minutes a day, sometimes a few times a day but right now the fear is just gripping me. I am so grateful to God that Super Mia is no longer in pain - she's healthy and whole and safe. At the same time I wish her family had more time with her. Sam's cousin said that you never realize these will be the lasts, people always focus on the firsts. She has no more firsts or lasts. Her family has to figure out how to navigate a world without her and her poor poor precious brother has to move forward without his twin. My heart is breaking for them - my entire body is full of pain, literal physical pain and my grief for Lani and Casey and sweet Noah is actually overshadowing the fear from Anna. It vacillates between the overwhelming sadness for their family and the overwhelming scariness of being in this situation with Anna. Not that I am in ANY way saying we have any comparable situation as Mia's family and their heartbreak, but that sometimes my selfishness in our situation overrrides the grief for their situation. We will miss you darling girl, Super Mia.