January 10, 2013

so much different from January 10, 2011. At one it is helpless and almost feels hopeless and in the other it is full of hope and light and life. I have pretty much spent the morning crying. It is so hard to remember this day and do anything but. I can't help it. I know I need to be graceful and grateful but at this moment, I cannot. I can only think back to this time, this day, this week and feel sad. and the helplessness comes rushing back over and swallows me. It is so hard to climb out and I know I will, I know I can, it will take a while. I don't like to wallow I don't like to be sad. I like to be positive and cheerful and live fully but...sometimes, I can't. I think today will be a day I can't. A day for take-out dinner and late bedtime for kids and early bedtime for grown-ups and lots and lots of cuddles. Ella said this morning that today was the worst day ever when I told them of the significance of today. And maybe that is the problem, it shouldn't be as significant except as an amazing day when Anna was beginning her journey toward recovery. I'm hopeful, although not exactly, expectant, that someday this is what the date will bring. I can't imagine that day though so I do imagine it will be somewhere far in the future. After Ella said today was the worst day ever, Anna and I just looked at each other and laughed. I'm pretty sure there are many many worse days that Anna has been through. Today she's happy and went to school and is in minimal pain. What more can a sassy, social six-year old ask? As for the six year old's mother-she's not so hot today. I can't let it go. I spent an hour on the phone with a friend just chatting about nothing in particular and then promptly got off the phone and spent an hour crying in my kitchen and now I can try to type and write. ;) I honestly don't know why I'm so sad - she's in a great place and is feeling well. I think, privately, to myself, or not, since I'm putting it here, that I'm sad for everything that wasn't - for everything that isn't. The things about being a kid that she'll never get back. And I keep going back to that day in the pediatrician's office and the week before when she told Ms. Terri that she was too tired and needed to call her mom. I just thought she was tired from staying up late and didn't want to go to preschool. And really, how bad would it be to miss a day of preschool? Not the worst thing that can happen as it turns out. ;) I think back to her not feeling well and wondering if we could have caught it sooner - and Realistically. Honestly. I know that there is nothing that could have made it better or sooner. We were incredibly fortunate to be diagnosed on the first visit at all. Most kids wait weeks or months for their leukemia to be discovered. Now, one could say that it is because she was so sick that it was diagnosed so quickly, and that is true, but we were fortuante enough to diagnose and begin her treatment in the same day. and she was sick, by the time the pediatrician saw her that day, even I knew something was wrong, this was not the normal cold or flu - not idea it was cancer but knew as I was sitting in the pediatrician's waiting room that something was more wrong thatn Sam and I originally thought. I'm sad and I'm mad and I'm having a hard time with gratefulness today - my attitude sucks. I'm sad for Mia and Lani and Casey and Noah, I'm sad for Kathy, I miss my friend Lynn, who would have had some wonderful words of wisdom for me, or at least told me a joke to help me suck it up and make me laugh. I'm sad for all the other kids that have to suffer, I'm so sad for Anna that she will never get back this time, she'll never have a typical kindergarten experience and be able to enjoy those kid times. There IS so much more that she will be able to enjoy and that is really, truly what I need to focus on. A few? weeks ago I watched a documentary called 'Happy' and it discussed the science of happiness, much like they discuss the science of depression. One fo the common themes about people being happy is that they chose it. People, everyday, make choices to bring them happiness. Even if they aren't aware that is why they make their choices, just changes in routine bring about an increased level of happy for everybody. For years, I've thought it was odd that Sam likes to find new ways to drive home to our various houses. New routes, new roads, shortcuts, longcuts ;), back roads, side roads, you name it. Not something I would ever choose to do, first of all, because I would get lost, but second of all, because I know how to get home - why would I change that? Well, now I know that this is a way for Sam to create happy in his own day, in his own way. Findng a new way to drive - not gonna do it for me, finding a new pair of shoes, that might work. So, today, as hard as it may be, as much as I kind of want to just bury myself in the sadness and the melonchaly and cover myself in dark and heavy and bathe in tears and cry myslef out, I think, I am going to choose happy as my intention for the rest of the day. We will have take away dinner, not because I'm too sad to cook, but because we can have a carpet picnic and chat and enjoy one another's company and no one will have to worry about cooking or doing dishes. Today I am going to choose happy and Know Happy that my daughter is alive.